December 04, 2004
Thanksgiving
I've been quiet lately, haven't I? I suppose that's because it's been a whirlwind of activity in my life lately, and I haven't known how to talk about it or where to begin. Some of what I've experienced can't be put into words, but I'll try.
A few weeks ago, my mother-in-law's CT was not clear. The pathologist who did her biopsy reassured her, saying that it looked and felt like a hematoma, and that everything would be okay. Unfortunately... and you see where this is going. My mother-in-law has a recurrence. It's a metastatic tumor in her abdomen, along one of the muscles. It's about an inch long, which is a lot for only three months. This is really devastating, because it developed within a month or two of a very aggressive chemotherapy regimen. She'll have surgery on Thursday to remove the tumor and the muscle, meaning she'll have a five-pack instead of a six-pack. The only good news in all of this is that her PET scan last week was otherwise clear, meaning that once the tumor is removed, she is technically cancer-free. Now we just have to hope she stays that way for a while. A long while.
Husband and I found out about this at the beginning of our Disney World trip. I called him when my plane was taxi-ing to the gate, and he told me over the phone. I burst into tears on the plane and proceeded to cry all the way to baggage claim. My parents joined us an hour later, and my mother cried with me as well. That was not a good night.
However, Husband and I would be spending Thanksgiving with his family the following week, so we decided to make the best of our well-deserved vacation, try not to think about it, and deal with it when we got home. And we managed to do that. It may sound callous or cold, but we had to put it away for awhile. There was no sense in letting this ruin our vacation - in fact, my mother-in-law almost didn't tell us because she didn't want it to spoil our time in Orlando. We had a wonderful vacation, and came home relaxed, refreshed, and ready to tackle this thing head on.
Before we left for North Carolina, Husband said to me that he didn't want me getting upset or breaking down in front of his mom. We needed to be strong for her, and he didn't want me becoming a basket-case. More on that later.
We arrived at Husband's parents' house in North Carolina at about 2am on Thanksgiving. Husband, his mom, and I stayed up until 6am talking, during which time Husband broke down in tears. Later, he told me he was so angry at himself for losing his composure in front of his mom, that he hadn't done that since he was about eight years old. But I reassured him that tears were a good thing, that it showed his mom just how much he loved her and wanted her to be okay. He felt slightly reassured, but still unhappy.
The next day, our best friends from Albuquerque joined us, and we had a lovely Thanksgiving full of food and family. I had fully intended to go to bed early, but at 1am, I found myself in the kitchen with my mother-in-law, where we talked, just the two of us, until 4 in the morning.
I don't remember if I've written about her very much, but I've had a very interesting relationship with my mother-in-law. She is one of the sweetest, kindest people I've ever met, and all she's ever wanted was to have a close relationship with me. And for some reason, I put up this barrier. I didn't want to let her in. And I don't even know why I did it, although I was fully conscious of it and angry with myself for doing it. I think part of me felt like I already had a mom, I didn't need another one, and I didn't want my mom to feel threatened by a close relationship with her. I think the other part of me felt a little threatened myself. Husband has always been very, very close with his mom, and I guess I thought that if I got close to her, Husband and I wouldn't be able to break away and be our own little unit. I was never outwardly mean or cruel or ugly to her, but I was reserved. I didn't want to let her in. It sounds ridiculous now, and I'm embarrassed and ashamed to admit I acted that way, but I did.
That night, I was able to ask my mother-in-law to forgive me for what I had done. I sobbed in her arms and told her how very sorry I was, that it was foolish of me and that I wish I had been more mature. She was so kind, and said that she never felt a barrier so much as she just didn't know how to best talk to me. A lot of healing went on during our conversation, for her and for me. She spoke candidly about her whole experience, how she feels, what she believes, and what she thinks will happen. It just reaffirmed how strong and amazing she is, and how lucky I am to have a mother-in-law like her.
Her resolve is absolutely incredible. She is truly at peace with this cancer. She is fighting it as hard as she can and she won't give up until it's truly over. She doesn't want to die. But she believes that God has a plan for her, and if it's her time, she will go. She told me about how this ordeal has strengthened her relationships with everyone - with her husband, her children, her friends, God. She articulated the many blessings that have come out of this disease, including a renewed relationship with me.
The next morning, I told Husband a little about my talk with his mom, and he was so relieved. Not only was he happy that she and I got closer, but he took great comfort in a lot of what we talked about. The rest of the visit went perfectly. We didn't talk about cancer or death very much - we were too busy celebrating life and family. We left on Sunday, sad to go, but thankful, happy, and relieved as well. It was the best Thanksgiving of my life, and I know that years from now, whatever happens, I will always look back on that weekend with gratitude.
This Thursday is my mother-in-law's surgery. We anticipate that everything will go well, and it will probably be about four weeks until she feels healed. But it's just another step in a long journey, and I know she has the strength and will to keep going. She is truly my inspiration.
nesting - September 05, 2006
I'm here!! - August 25, 2006
Finally, some good news - March 02, 2006
The Day That Almost Was - February 26, 2006
can you keep a secret? - February 01, 2006
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