May 13, 2004
no more
I can't do it. I just can't watch the national news anymore. And I can barely tolerate my beloved NPR. I'm not able to stomach what's going on in Iraq. The prison abuse scandal, the kidnapping and killing of Americans... it makes me want to vomit.
Husband spent far too long last night searching the internet for the dec@pit@tion video, much to my disgust. I asked him repeatedly, "WHY? WHY on earth do you want to see that video?" His answer - to see why we are in Iraq; to see who we are fighting and why we are fighting this war. That somehow by witnessing the brutality of this man's death, it would justify our actions over there.
Although I don't share his mindset, I understand his intention. But I don't need to watch this man's death to know that there is evil in the world. But we're kidding ourselves if we think such evil is only in Iraq, or if we use it as a justification for this war. I also think it's terribly disrespectful to this man and his life, not to mention his family, to watch the gruesome end of this man's life, like a voyeur. I'm sure his family wants him to be remembered for his life, not for the manner of his death.
Even though I have not and will not see that video, I'm having a difficult time not thinking about the way in which he was killed. Although the news media in America has taken the "higher ground" by not showing the video, their descriptions are almost worse, as it leaves the details of the killing to our imaginations. A certain national news program showed the video right up to the moment where a knife was drawn, and then they paused it. Another program paused it, but not before you could hear the man's screams. And as much as I hate it, my vivid imagination took over. I don't need to see the video to know what happens - it's playing in my head, over and over again.
And not to sound elitist, but this is happening to me, a licensed mental health professional. An adult. Can you imagine what this must be doing to our children? I know many parents don't let their children watch the news, but these stories have a way of making it to even the most sheltered child. To those of you who have children, who are faced with the challenge of explaining this to them and making them feel safe... God, I don't know how you do it.
Nor do I know how you will explain the abuse of Iraqi prisoners to your children, because I have a hard time explaining it to myself. I'm angry, I'm repulsed, I'm embarrassed. The reputation of every American soldier, sailor, and airman has been tarnished by this scandal. I'm speaking not only as the wife of a military officer, but as an American - I am absolutely ashamed and disgusted by what these troops have done.
I'm even more appalled by the apparent oversight by the command. I find it difficult to believe that commanding officers and NCOs had no idea this was going on. By not taking action and preventing this abuse from happening, the chain of command essentially condoned it. People can point fingers all they want, but there is plenty of blame to go around - from those who committed the abusive acts, to those who knew about it and said nothing, to those in command positions who create an atmosphere where this behavior is tolerated. Because in the long run, this scandal affects more than just those who experienced the abuse. It affects every single military serviceperson over in Iraq, every civilian contractor, and not only American, but everyone. Everyone is under suspicion, and everyone is a potential target for extremists who seek revenge. The actions of a few have endangered all, and that is what is particularly devastating.
Beyond anger and disgust, I am filled with sorrow. A deep, full sorrow for something I cannot name. It goes beyond the abuse of prisoners and the killing of innocents, far beyond, to a place where words are of no use. I cannot articulate it, but my sadness is palpable. And with such sorrow comes hopelessness. I fight this despair as best I can, but it's a difficult battle and I wonder if we will ever know peace.
For the meantime, I think it best to abstain from the news, at least for a few days, until I'm able to get to a better place about this. For the time being, it does me no good to inundate myself with images of violence and stories of struggle.
Last night, in my meditation, I repeated the words "peace" and "wisdom." This is what I wish for myself, for our country, and our world. It seems so far away right now.
nesting - September 05, 2006
I'm here!! - August 25, 2006
Finally, some good news - March 02, 2006
The Day That Almost Was - February 26, 2006
can you keep a secret? - February 01, 2006
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