October 31, 2003
Human Resources Scavenger Hunt
Today is one of those days during which I feel like I've lived a whole week - and it's only 1pm. Welcome to the world of working for the city government.
5:25am. The alarm goes off. Why is my local NPR station playing trumpet music? I hit the snooze button twice and get out of bed around 5:45am. Shower, blowdry, dress, makeup, eat. I'm lookin' good and good to go. Kiss Husband, pet dog, and I'm on the road.
I leave super early in case of traffic, so that I don't have a repeat of my job interview. I arrive at 7:15am, 15 minutes early. Okay, not too bad. I brought a Sarah Vowell book, so I read. And I wait. More people start to show up. We all sit and wait, until 7:25am, when a man comes out and says they aren't open yet and we'll need to wait outside. I don't say anything, I just look at him. And eventually he asks me what time I have. 7:25, I say. And he looks at me, and says, "Well, I suppose you can go ahead and stay in here then." I smile. Thanks.
I continue to read my book. And continue to wait. And wait. It's now 7:30. Then 7:40. Now it's 7:50. I am waiting, along with nine other people who are there to fill out paperwork. Why are we waiting? Because the woman whose job it is to process us is late and doesn't arrive until shortly before 8am. Okay, I'm slightly annoyed, but whatever. It's Friday, I think, and I'll get over it.
So the ten of us are finally shuffled into a back room the size of a closet and told where to sit around a table that fills the space. We are handed our application packets, but we are not, I repeat NOT, supposed to look at our application or get ahead of the proctor as we fill out our forms. Oh my god, I think, this is going to be a long morning. Thank god I brought my coffee.
First, I fill out multiple forms about my driving and criminal records. Then I sign a form swearing that I do not belong to nor will I join an organization whose goals include violent overthrow of the government. While I'm waiting for others to finish, I sneak a peek at my application and promptly see why I wasn't supposed to look. Included with my paperwork is a list of people who applied for my position. Out of roughly 25 applicants, five were qualified and subsequently interviewed. And I got the job. Go me! But before I can continue reading, I feel the eyes of the proctor boring holes into the back of my skull, so I close the application and continue to play my part in the bureaucracy that is the City of San Antonio.
Next I fill out a form where I had to list all of my previous employers for the past ten years. Now, I had the foresight to type up a list with all of the relevant information, which I thought would save time. Oh, whoops, I forgot - I now work for the city and everything must be done in the most bureaucratic method possible. So I still have to duplicate all the information on this little form so that they can enter it into a computer. But they take my nice typewritten list anyway, because it will help them in the long run and it's easier to read. Um, redundant anyone?
I fill out health insurance forms (even though I don't want their health insurance), life insurance forms, retirement forms, drug test forms, tax forms... I think I may have just signed away my first born. But who cares, because I'm done and I'll never have to come back here again. I can leave like eight other people just did and I'm good to go!
Or so I think, as I hand over my copy of my bachelor's diploma.
Oh no, this won't do. I need to see the original.
But wait, I say. I double-checked this with the employment officer. She told me I only had to bring a copy. I specifically asked if I needed the original, and she said a copy would suffice.
Sorry. She was wrong. You'll have to come back with the original. I'm here until one o'clock today.
Fine, I sigh, as I start to get up. But no, it's not over yet. We haven't received our health insurance packets yet, and the insurance rep is "on her way." Turns out, the other eight people who left are part-time slave wage labor and don't get health insurance. Lucky me.
But wait, I say. I don't want the insurance, it doesn't matter to me. I'm going to decline it.
You can't decline it. Everyone must be insured.
But I AM insured! Through TriCare! Here's my card! I don't want your insurance!
Well, you'll have to talk to the insurance rep when she gets here.
Fine, I sigh again. Whatever. I sit and wait some more. Fast forward 30 minutes, and the insurance rep finally shows up.
Hi everyone! Gee, so sorry I'm late! I totally forgot! Here are your packets! Call us if you have any questions! Bye!
Wait, wait! I have a question! I don't want your insurance, I already have insurance. What do I do?
Oh...um... let's see... Okay, you have to have our insurance for the remainder of 2003, but for 2004, you can decline it.
She can decline it? Wait a minute, no one ever told us at Human Resources that.
Well, it's a brand new policy. If you have to pay a premium, then you can decline it as long as you have other insurance. Sorry you didn't know!
Well, I'm not the only one who didn't know. No one here knew that. You really need to tell us these things.
Um, excuse me? Hi, I'm still here. Can I leave now?
You can leave here. But then you need to go to the police department for fingerprinting, then you need to go to the Municipal Court for clearance, and then you need to go take your drug test. Sorry, I don't have directions printed out, but the addresses are on the papers.
I start to panic, knowing that I'll have to open my map of San Antonio (which I've since put in my glove box as a result the interview fiasco) and I will never, ever be able to fold it back up correctly. But suddenly, the older lady next to me, the only other applicant left, says she used to be a full-time employee and she's done this all before, so she'll show me where to go. Thanks, I tell her, I have no idea where I'm going.
Turns out, she doesn't either. Yes, she is a native San Antonian, yes, she currently works part-time for the city, but no, she has no idea really where we're going. And as I'm following her around the city, I realize this just as she's about to cause an accident for the third time in the last ten minutes.
We make it to the police department, where it takes 30 minutes for us to get fingerprinted. We get to the municipal court, where it takes 10 minutes to park and get cleared. Then we go on a wild goose chase for the elusive clinic where we're supposed to get tested for drugs. Finally, FINALLY we find it (actually, I find it, believe it or not), and I proceed to wait for almost 90 minutes to pee in a cup. Thank god I had so much coffee this morning.
Once my urine has been collected, divided among numerous vials, labeled, and processed, I rush home. I check the mail, and lo and behold, my public health diploma arrived today! Yee haw! But oh no - it's almost noon and the HR lady is leaving at 1pm! So I grab both diplomas and hightail it back downtown, run in, show her my diplomas, and after spending, oh, about a half-second glancing at them, she says that'll do. I hop in my car, speed down the freeway, and make it back home in record time - just in time for NYPD Blue on TNT.
If this is what working for the city is like, then god help me. Or put me out of my misery. Right now, either sounds good to me.
nesting - September 05, 2006
I'm here!! - August 25, 2006
Finally, some good news - March 02, 2006
The Day That Almost Was - February 26, 2006
can you keep a secret? - February 01, 2006
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